I think you knew this was coming. Even though it was great to see you again, today was just too hard, too painful.
Your sharp words, “I have a girl friend” are still looping in my head round and round like some awful nightmare, stabbing away at any hope I had left.
A nuclear explosion went off and all the radioactive fallout has made it too dangerous to approach that territory again.
I still love you but you don’t love yourself enough to see it or accept it. You don’t even know yourself enough to capture and claim what you want. I love the Jack I used to know, or perhaps the one I pretended to see, but the one that I see now is so confused, so trapped inside a world of people pleasing and anxious despair, that it hurts to watch this slow plane crash. Not because I’m not there to rescue, but because any help I could offer is null and void by the history and rejection that’s already been shown.
You laid your cards out long ago, and presented me a picture of the life you want to live: the life of shallow adventures, late night boozing and empty, emotionless living.
When none of your scars are visible, you become a chameleon within your habitat. You can only hide yourself for so long. The truth is bound to come out.
I pray that when you hit that wall of self actualization, there is someone strong there to help you pick up the broken pieces. I can’t be that person for you anymore. You have already made it clear there’s another one, someone who you love more because she’s willing to feed the disguise.
I won’t do it. I’ve come to the time in life where I want truth, and I want it at any cost. Deception, manipulation and misinformation constantly surround us as a society day after day, and they have made life a mundane, sour and lifeless ritual of abuse, fear and hatred. Breaking free means drawing a line in the sand and saying no more.
I won’t stand back and watch while the ship sinks. I won’t tolerate playing second fiddle when I know I’m already in tune. Call me selfish or self-righteous, but don’t try to bring me down.
I wish you all the best in life and may you discover the reality of who you are sooner rather than later.